As much as I tried to fit in with the normal duties of the priesthood like other clergy did, the more awkward and out of place I felt. I could not make this desire for more go away. Once again, that nagging feeling for more tugged at my soul. I had to have the real thing like in the days of the apostles. I had to see miracles in my life. Nothing else would bring contentment. My dissatisfaction could only be filled with more of Jesus.
When we come to a place of great need and hunger for more, this is where God comes through. One night while in prayer in my room, I wept and wept for more of God. I think I just didn’t know how to get there. I didn’t know how I could see miracles in my ministry. I was tired and worn out from performance. My personal performance was a type of perfectionism, especially in academics. It is not easy to be first in your class all through school. It is not easy to be valedictorian of a college and then valedictorian of a major university. But this is what I did. It won me accolades and honors in the short run, but created a problem of striving, achievement, and a false sense of self-worth.
Somehow, this plague leads ultimately to burn out. Anyone beset like this has high expectations of self. The pressure is unbearable. In my case, each Sunday I had to top my sermon with a better and more, clever sermon every week. Thank God deliverance from this curse was not far away. God loved me not because I was so smart and clever but simply because I was His son. I knew this with my head. I was about to know it in my heart…